Campaign Finance Reform: Let the Games Begin!
There is something refreshingly honest about the open commercialism
of professional sports. The players are ostensibly loyal to the
town that hosts the team, but everyone knows that they pledge their
ultimate allegiance to the almighty dollar. Players display the
logos of their corporate sponsors on their uniforms while competing
in stadiums named for the winners of the latest corporate merger.
Since campaign finance reform is doomed, perhaps the political heavy
hitters should look to the world of sports for inspiration.
After each election, the winners could be issued team uniforms,
with the majority party wearing the home team colors and the minority
sporting the away team jerseys. Both Democrats and Republicans should
be required to display the logos of their major corporate and PAC
contributors. The size and placement of each logo would be commensurate
with the size of the donation. Whenever members of congress appeared
in an official capacity, they would be required to wear their official
uniforms with corporate insignias properly affixed. Compliance with
the regulations would be strictly enforced by judicial referees.
After all, the American public that has the right to know the nutritional
composition of every can of pork on the supermarket shelves should
also have the right to know the financial composition of the legislators
who serve that pork up to them.
This policy would be good for business. Corporate sponsors who
pay out millions to politicians would now get a visible payoff for
their largesse. The money saved on advertising would increase profits
and ultimately boost the stock market. Major political contributors
might even be allowed to pay for blocks of prime congressional time.
"This session of congress is brought to you by Nike, maker
of Air Jordan, the official footware of the Republican Party."
In the future, we might even consider dropping references to the
legislator's home state. No more John Doe (D-PA)-instead, he'd be
known as the Senator from Wawa. Politicians receiving extensive
contributions from a single corporation might even consider changing
their names entirely. After all, very few legislators are blessed
with names like Ford, Heniz, or Dole. Eventually we'd probably get
used to the juxtaposition of commercialism and politics as in "The
speaker recognizes the motion by Representative R.J.R. Nabisco to
declare tobacco a vegetable."
And why stop at outerwear? We look forward to passage of the Kenneth
Starr Fruit of the Loom Amendment requiring politicians to list
information about their extramarital affairs on their underwear.
Once a year, prior to election day, candidates would be required
to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothing. By airing
their own dirty linen rather than allowing their opponents to do
so, candidates would eliminate the need for those expensive negative
ads.
Advertising is everywhere in American culture. Why should Madison
Avenue stop so short of the Beltway? If the halls of congress were
made to look more like Times Square and its members more like walking
, talking billboards, there would probably be no room left for the
politicians to display their positions on the economy, crime, and
world peace. But then again, isn't that the way the game of politics
is played?
Natalie Zellat Dyen
nat.dyen@verizon.net
Jesse Dyen
jesse@jessedyen.com
  
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