Short People Are Vertically Deprived But Energy Efficient
I am a short person. My mother is short, my father is short, and
so are my sisters and my cousins and my aunts. I grew up almost
completely unaware of my shortcomings. However, there were a few
clues that I was longitudinally lacking. For one thing, I reached
my full height of 5'3" before the advent of the Petite Department.
This meant that I had to trim approximately 5 inches of material
from every article of clothing I bought. I figure that the excess
material cut from garments purchased between 1958 and 1973 would
make a quilt the size of North Dakota.
The other clue was the stature of my blind dates in high school
and college. Invariably the primary criteria for matchmaking was
height (or the lack thereof). I can still hear my well-meaning friends
saying, "Let's fix Natalie up with so-and-so. They've got a
lot in common. He's short and she's short. They're bound to see
eye to eye."
The funny thing is, I wasn't convinced that I was short until some
years later when I saw Petit Shops advertising fashions for women
5'4" and under. It was official. I could grow a whole inch
and still be short! But at least I wasn't discriminated against
as a short woman. Despite the obvious disadvantages of being 5'3"
in a world designed for 5'8" (and a career as a super model
definitely out of the question), I realized that short women are
often considered kind of cute. Not a great advantage in the corporate
world, but something I can live with.
It wasn't until I got married that I discovered the tyranny of
perpendicular persecution. I married a man of the short persuasion
and had two sons of like stature. My husband is 5'6", and when
we were first married, he had to shop for clothes in the boy's department.
The prices were good, but it was a drag removing the Cookie Monster
appliqués from the shirts. "Hi. Meet my husband the
dentist--graduate of the Ivy League, fashions by Healthtex."
What made it worse was that Big and Tall men's shops were springing
up all around us. It made me mad. I felt like I was married to a
Lilliputian in the land of the giants. My husband has never set
foot inside one of those places. They probably wouldn't let him
in. I'm sure they have a tape measure at the door with a bouncer
on the side, like they do at amusement parks to keep little kids
off the dangerous rides. "Sorry buddy, you've got to reach
the 6 foot mark to play with the big boys."
Big and Tall shops! Where are the stores for little guys? If the
average height for an adult American male is 5'10", there should
be about as many men below that average as above it, right? Yet
we ignore those at the bottom of the height curve while worshipping
those at the top. Why is it that in such areas as intelligence and
wealth, we acknowledge the extremes and make accommodations for
them. Even women are allowed to be big (Lane Bryant) and small (the
5 7 9 Shop). But when it comes to men's' height, we are (you should
pardon the expression) short sighted.
So, why aren't there clothing stores for short men? I think it's
because short men wouldn't shop in them. For one thing, what would
you call it? Little Guy? Short Cuts? Micro Man? Unfortunately, there's
no acceptable male equivalent for "petite." Also, by entering
such a store, a man would be publicly acknowledging that he is short
(as if we didn't already notice), something he is loathe to do.
Yes, short men themselves are the part of the problem. They refuse
to acknowledge the discrimination they face. They are not offended
by the inevitable preface "He's only 5'6", but..."
They ignore the diagnosis of "Napoleon complex" any time
they assert themselves. The only time my younger son expressed displeasure
about his size was when he was 8 years old, I told him I was serving
shrimp for dinner, and he said "I hate that word."
And now it's getting really scary. With the advent of genetic engineering,
I'm afraid we're all going to opt for big, tall, Michael Jordanesque
sons. Well, I think it's time for an altitude adjustment.
Companies have the right idea. They're downsizing and rightsizing.
Why not do the same for human beings?
Short people are energy efficient. We are as productive as tall
people, and at the same time consume fewer resources and produce
less waste. Say one little guy produces 100 Big Macs. That would
feed 10 Charles Barclays for about a day. Those same 100 burgers
would feed 100 Michael J. Foxes. Carry this to its logical conclusion
and we'll have world hunger conquered in no time.
Short people are patriotic. You can fit more of us into smaller
houses, so we don't have to turn so much of our park and farmland
into housing developments. This leaves unmolested the amber waves
of grain and purple mountains majesty, not to mention the fruited
plains. So be a good American. Have a short babies.
Speaking of patriotism and nationalism, why do you think the Japanese
have done so well all these years? You can talk about respect for
education, work ethic, and family values. I say it's because they're
short. If they weren't small, we wouldn't have so many of the indispensable
commodities we've come to depend on--like Hondas, Walkmen, microchips,
and those little TVs the size of molecules. Isn't it ironic that
the recent rise in the height of the average Japanese corresponds
to a drop in their economic fortune. I rest my case.
The future is clear. The 21st Century belongs to the altitudinally
abridged. The truth is, we're not "vertically challenged"--we're
"politically correct."
Natalie Zellat Dyen
dyenn@yahoo.com
 
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