Word from the Suburbs: Stay Where You Are

By Natalie Zellat Dyen
Published in the Welcomat

A Society Hill friend of mine told me recently that she was thinking about moving to the suburbs. She said that the lack of greenery was really getting to her, and she had a need to live in harmony with the elements. My Center City friend does not realize that the true relationship between a suburban homeowner and his environment is open warfare. In an attempt to dissuade my friend and others from falling into the quagmire of suburban home ownership, I enclose the following letter from the battlefields of Elkins Park.

Dear Anita.

Before considering a move outside the city limits ask yourself the following: Are you ready to put down the Sunday Times and take up the Ortho Insect Killer, beat your pens into hacksaws, shelve The Thornbirds to pacify the thornbushes?

I am currently recovering from the annual summer offensive, which this year was particularly brutal. A patch of respectable English ivy had clandestinely transformed itself into a batallion of killer weeks. I went out barehanded to do battle, but the enemy was firmly entrenched and covered with thorns. Their resistance was formidable and I found myself engaged in hand-to-leaf combat with the All-Weed Volunteer Army. I was ultimately victorious, but the casualties were heavy -- three sacrificed Sunday afternoons, two pairs of gardening gloves, and my favorite pair of Nikes.

Some battles are not so predictable. Mother Nature has been known to stage sneak attacks, the most recent of which is the invasion of the carpenter ants. The name "carpenter ants" conjures up images of little multi-legged creatures armed with hammers, saws, and union cards. In my option, these critters should engage in constructive activities -- building tiny bookcases, pinup lamps, and such. But, unfortunately their primary activity is eating you out of house and home (literally), and last year our home was the main course. To win this battle we violated the Geneva Agreements and engaged in germ warfare. Our military contract with Humphreys Exterminators paid off bigtime.

You say you'd like to have a vegetable garden but, take it from me, you're better off with a couple of potted tomato plants on a bed of concrete. Last year I spent $25 for seeds, plants, fertilizer, fencing, and insect spray, which yielded $10 worth of vegetables, most of which were consumed by the neighborhood wildlife. That's a high price to pay for a bunch of fat rabbits and two servings of green beans. If God had intended vegetables to grow in my garden, He would have wrapped them in plastic. Hey, when's the last time you encountered a Japanese Beetle at the Acme?

Anita, I hope I've convinced you to stay where you are. The next time you crave greenery, take a walk through Rittenhouse Square. Or eat a leafy green vegetable. Better to eat leaves than to rake them.

Natalie Zellat Dyen
nat.dyen@verizon.net