No Warning Label? Watch out, you might be in danger!
It started with warning labels on pillows. Then it escalated to
cigarette packages and wine bottles. Now, the Pennsylvania Lottery
has announced that they'll be pasting warning labels on lottery
tickets stating that gambling can be addictive and advising compulsive
gamblers to seek help. All of these items (except, perhaps, the
pillows) can be addictive, but why stop with tobacco, booze, and
betting? The world is full of seemingly innocent, but potentially
hazardous or addictive commodities that should be labeled.
Take credit cards (which is part of the problem, since you've probably
taken three or four of them). All credit cards should carry a cautionary
message such as the following: "Warning. This card can present
a serious risk to your financial health by causing you to purchase
expensive items you don't need with money you don't have. Call Visaholics
Anonymous for immediate assistance."
And speaking of children, all newborns should enter the world with
the following warning firmly affixed to their bottoms: "Caution.
In approximately thirteen years, this being will be possessed by
aliens demanding your car keys, playing music that makes your Cuisinart
sound like Mozart, and experimenting with any substance that carries
a warning label. Don't be fooled by the cute little package. He
WILL present a serious threat to your mental health. Instruction
manual not included."
Computers might carry the following message: "Warning. This
machine will be obsolete by the time you open the package. So just
don't bother. Wrap it up immediately and send it back to the manufacturer
in exchange for a later model. Should you disregard this warning
and assemble this computer, you'll never catch up and will remain
technologically inferior for the rest of your life."
And it's not just the hardware that poses a threat. All Internet
browser software should carry the following caveat: "This product
is highly addictive. Once it is installed, you may find yourself
unable to detach yourself from your PC, since you will be a mouse-click
away from potentially downloading ALL OF THE INFORMATION IN THE
HISTORY OF THE ENTIRE WORLD (none of which will help you locate
your car keys, which are probably in your teenager's back pocket).
For help, contact the "Get a Life Foundation."
Why haven't they attached a warning label to the most addictive
of all substances--food? True, packaged food is now clearly marked
with nutrition facts that can easily be deciphered with a math co-processor
chip and a degree in calculus. But what's missing is a warning in
plain English about its addictive nature. Take chocolate, for example:
"This product can cause one or all of the following: anorexia,
bulimia, obesity, zits, dentures. If tempted, call Chocoholics Anonymous
for emergency counseling." Failure to heed this warning could
transform you virtually overnight from Kate Moss to Kate Smith.
And speaking of fashion models, every spandex dress and miniskirt
should carry the following tag: "You are NOT Kate Moss. In
fact if you are an American woman, there's a 30% chance that you
disregarded the warning in the previous paragraph and are overweight.
Take a good look in the mirror, then put this garment back on the
rack, where it belongs…because it certainly doesn't belong
on you."
By now, you're probably overwhelmed by the danger lurking everywhere.
So grab a cigarette and a glass of wine to calm you down. And don't
forget the chocolates. After all, you can't believe everything you
read. Why, just last week I removed the tag from my mattress (under
penalty of law), and the upholstery police still haven't come to
get me.
Natalie Zellat Dyen
nat.dyen@verizon.net
  
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